Alain woke up, lay in bed a while with his arm stretched across the empty expanse of his bed, got up, ate breakfast, had a shower, got dressed, cleaned his teeth painstakingly, flossed, checked his teeth for food, went over them again with a dry toothbrush - and left the house. He shut the door loudly on his way out, waking two of his housemates. He caught a tram into the city, to get a coffee and do some clothes shopping. In Bourke Street Mall he bumped into a university friend of his.

"Hey, Alain man, what's up?"

"Dude! Hey, what'd you get for your essay?"

"Sixty-five. I can live with that."

"Sweet, man. Hey, a pass is a pass, right?"

"Fuckin' oath. Hey -" Alain's friend grinned and raised an eyebrow in inquiry. ". . . You got lucky last night?" The friend stared at Alain, expecting a quick response. "Right?"

Alain frowned and then laughed sheepishly. "Who, me? Nah . . ."

"But . . . the way you said it, I thought for sure . . ."

Alain greeted his friend's confusion with plenty of his own. "Said what?"

"Don't you remember? You sent me a text."

"I did?" Alain looked off to the side, trying to recall. "Fuck, I can't even remember that."

"Here." His friend pulled out his mobile and opened the message, and showed it to Alain. Alain read:

Dud - hotst chic eva names cassy. All ova ma.

Alain's face flushed with the evidence presented to him. "I was pretty drunk last night" he said unnecessarily, trying to avoid the conversation.

"Shit - so you mean you woke up, and she was . . .?" His friend puffed up his face like a frog.

"Nah, not even that. Nothing even happened." Alain didn't really want to talk about it. Trying to douse his friend's interest, he added: "She wasn't even that hot, anyway."

"Serious?" Alain's friend's curiosity was instead piqued, but Alain couldn't leave it at that.

"Yeah" he said. "No legs on her, mate. Tiny skirt, too, you know what that's like. Practically giving it away."

"Aww, man, desperate chicks."

"Seriously. Who need's that? Nasty hair, too. Like it was blonde, but not really, you know? I mean, why don't you just fucking work it, you know? Make it blonde or don't, bleach it if you need to, but don't leave it looking like mouse fur."

"Fully."

"No tits either. I mean she filled her top out, but you could tell it was all bra."

"Wow, man. Sounds like you really dodged a bullet. What happened to her, anyway?"

"I dunno, she went home with some other loser."

"Phew." Alain's friend whistled in appreciation. "Dude, you got lucky."

"Don't I know it, man. That the truth."